Parental Guidance
by RumbleintheDumbles
Summary: Taylor thought she had kept her powers hidden from her parents. Little did she know, it was actually the other way around. Kleptomania ensues.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This was one of the first fics I ever attempted, and I'm finally getting round to uploading it on here, in preparation for a sequel.

Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow. I own nothing.

* * *

I step out towards the front door. Nobody else around - perfect. Mom and Dad must be asleep.

Only, they aren't. The light turns on, and I see them both sitting at the dining table, looking at me gravely.

Crap.

"Taylor," Dad said calmly, "We need to talk."

I swallowed. Had they found out?

"Honey," Mom began gently, "We know that you're a parahuman."

Worst case scenario, type-A.

"H-how?" I managed to get out.

"Well," Dad smiled wryly, "There's only so many times you can see a group of insects flying in formation around the house and not realise something's up."

"And I found the costume," Mom added, "Good work for a first try, by the way. It seems flexible enough, and the material is very nice. Spider silk?"

I nod in confusion. This conversation was a bit stranger than I thought it would have been.

"Of course, I'll show you how to make a better one," she finished.

"Can't have you looking under-dressed when we take you out, after all," Dad agreed.

"What?"

Mom and Dad both chuckled at the confusion I was showing, before Mom finally took pity on me. "Taylor, you're not the only one with a secret. You see, we've both been capes for years."

I stare.

"Meet Ocean," she gestured to Dad.

"And his lovely partner, the Midnight Feline," Dad gestured dramatically back.

Ocean and the Midnight Feline were famous names in Brockton Bay. A pair of master thieves who took on big, flashy heists, mainly for the fun and the challenge. They were infamous for never being caught, by anyone.

Ocean was some kind of thinker, while the Midnight Feline was the definitive cat-burglar. And apparently, they were also my parents.

My parents were super-villains.

"Guh."

"Now that you've come into your own powers, we can bring you into the family business!" Mom sounded excited, "Oh, I'm so proud."

"Controlling bugs is a very useful power, too," Dad nodded, "Recon was always one of the things we've struggled with. If you can see through their senses, you'll have that base covered. How many can you control at once? They could make for a great distraction, too."

"Buh."

"Danny," Mom admonished, "Stop plotting. This is celebration time. Plotting time is tomorrow."

"Ah, sorry," Dad winced apologetically, "Force of habit."

"Abuh."

"We'll talk about getting you set up tomorrow," Mom told me with a bright smile, "For now, though, I'll bake a cake and we'll enjoy the night."

"But don't make that costume too tight, now," Dad said evenly, "Can't have those male wards getting too much of an eye-full when they're trying to catch you."

"Danny," Mom admonished, "You know that's half the reason I escape from Armsmaster every time. Ooh, there's an idea for our first family job, maybe we could steal his halberd again!" She turned to me brightly, "We've got a collection of them, you know."

"Grgllgbll."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Worm, it belongs to Wildbow.**

* * *

Hannah frowned as she made her way through the halls of the Protectorate building. She had received a report of strange behaviour from Armsmaster, via a rather concerned-sounding Kid Win, and was making her way over to find out what was going on. She wasn't about to declare Master/Stranger protocols, or the other protocols just yet, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

"Miss Militia," she was greeted by Kid Win as he stood outside Armsmaster's lab-slash-quarters.

"Kid Win," she acknowledged, "What can you tell me?"

"Well, I was going to ask Armsmaster about some tinker stuff," he began uncertainly. Miss Militia knew exactly what he meant by that - Kid Win was still trying to find his tinker specialisation.

"And?" She prompted him, when he looked unsure of what he was going to say next.

"And he was sitting in the middle of his room, rocking back and forth repeatedly, while clutching his halberd to his chest," Kid Win finished, "In fact, I think he's still doing that now."

Hannah's face went blank.

She processed the statement.

She then opened the door slightly and peeked into the room.

Nodding, she shut the door and turned back to Kid Win. "Yes," she confirmed, "Yes, he is."

There was a moment of silence. "So... er... what do we do?" Kid Win asked with worry.

"You do nothing," she told him firmly, "I go in to speak to him."

Steeling herself, she turned towards the door, and in one movement, opened it and walked in. "Armsmaster," she asked, "What on Earth are you doing?"

Still rocking, his head turned slowly toward her. "The end. The end of the Protectorate. The end of the world. It's the end."

Hannah was growing very concerned, now. "What is the end? What brought this on?"

She saw him glance at his desk - and she noticed the note with an attached photograph. Walking over, she began to read it:

'Dear Armsy,

Just wanted you to know why we've been a little quiet, recently. You see, our wonderful little darling daughter has finally made the step up to become our cute new little team member! And of course, she's a chip off the old block, so we've been teaching her everything we know. So worry not, soon enough, we'll be back in the game again, and we'll be better than ever! Of course, family tradition dictates that at some point in the near future we'll initiate her to the team by coming to your place and looting you to the bedrock.

Looking forward to adding your new halberd to our collection,

Ocean, the Midnight Feline and (for the first time ever) Skitter!'

In the attached photo, apparently taken on a rooftop, The Midnight Feline was striking a provocative pose in her catsuit, while Ocean was grinning behind the domino mask that, combined with an expensive-looking tuxedo, made up his cape costume. Both had their arms around a teenage cape, in a rather intimidating-looking and well made costume - black and dark-purple with an insect-like full-head helmet, barring the opening for her hair. She somehow managed to look shy, even without having any features whatsoever visible.

She turned back to fix the wreck of a man behind her with a dull stare. "Really?" She said, unimpressed, "This is what has you acting like the world is ending? You've been trying to catch these two for years, you really should be used to them by now, Colin."

"You don't understand," he hissed back, "They've reproduced! Reproduced! They're monsters, and they made another little monster, like Nilbog, a never-ending cycle of monsters! And soon the world will be overrun by little monsters, rampaging around and stealing everything! They'll steal your halberds! They'll steal your breakfast! They'll steal your armour, while you're wearing it!"

She tried, and failed, to come up with an adequate response to that statement. Instead, she ended up simply voicing her thoughts. "That was a pretty tame week, to be fair."

"No, they won't get me this time," he muttered, ignoring her words as he pulled out some tools and started tinkering frantically with his halberd, "Not this time..."

The room went silent for a few moments, save for the sound of Armsmaster's work.

"...And what, exactly, are you doing now?" Hannah eventually found herself asking in resignation.

"ANTI-FUCKER COUNTERMEASURES!" he roared maniacally as a stream of electricity leapt out from his halberd and left a small hole in the far wall.

"I..." she then threw her hands up, "No, you know what, I don't need to deal with this right now. I'm going to go and update Director Piggot about the new addition to Ocean and The Midnight Feline's team, and then try to come up with some security measures for an uncapturable team of villains, because that would still be less work than dealing with you right now. Good luck with your nonsense."

She then stormed out. "Leave him be," she told Kid Win, ignoring the explosive sound that came from the room she had just left, "He's just being ridiculous. And, er," she then added, "You probably shouldn't let anyone go in there, either."

She sighed in annoyance, as she realised she would have to tell the Director that they needed to activate Armsmaster-Breakdown-Protocols again. Why couldn't those damn thieves have, for once, just waited until someone else was on shift at the base before destroying Armsmaster's sanity this time?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, I own nothing.**

* * *

"This is crazy."

"Skitter, you've been saying that for the last twenty minutes," The Midnight Feline sighed.

"I can't believe we're actually doing this."

"That too, dear," Ocean noted.

It was only three days ago that I found out about one of the major secrets to Ocean and The Midnight Feline - no, Dad and Moms' success. And now, here we were, committing our first major job as a full family. If I understood things correctly, it should be a relatively simple job. Even though we were hitting the ABB, of all people. The ABB who were lead by a big angry dragon-man who liked to incinerate anyone who pissed him off.

I had my swarm spread through the building, looking for security measures and personnel.

"Two guards at the door, armed with pistols and knives. Two guards inside the front door, same armament," I muttered to my parents, "Another one patrolling the first floor, he's got a submachine gun."

"Nothing I can't handle," Mom nodded, "Anything else?"

"Cameras on all floors, and - I think there's some kind of mines on the first floor. Might be proximity," I offered, "There's tripwires, too. Everything is probably tied up to explosives, like Dad said it would be."

"All right," Mom cracked her neck, "So, the plan, honey."

"Yes, Darling," Ocean replied, "Skitter, your swarm attacks the two outside. You take them out, and the noise will attract the attention of the other two, who Midnight will take out from above."

"Got it," somehow, I felt less bad about making my first foray into supervillainy than I thought I should have. Perhaps it was because I finally felt a lot closer to my family - they both always tried their best, of course, but I always felt there was some kind of invisible wall separating us.

I didn't expect that invisible wall to be superpowered kleptomania on a mass scale of course, but by this point I'd pretty much learned to roll with the punches.

I observed as Mom used her grappling hook to land on the roof of the ABB building. She then attached the hook, and began to slowly make her way down the side of the wall, edging closer to the two thugs standing outside.

"Now," Ocean said.

I called up my swarm and had them take a relatively human shape, moving towards the two gang members.

"Hey," one of them called out, "Who the fuck are - holy fuck!"

I wondered how it must have looked to them - thinking a person was approaching in the dark, only for it to turn out to be a human-sized mass of flying bugs. Shaking these errant thoughts clear, I had the swarm attack.

The men screamed as the mass of bugs fell upon them, swarming and biting. The door opened, and the two thugs inside ran out, guns out - and as they stopped to stare in shock at their fellows, Mom dropped down and dispatched them from behind.

"Alright, now it's Midnight's turn," Ocean said, "Have your swarm keep an eye out for anyone else - and keep an eye or two hundred on the guard in there, too."

"I'm watching everything that happens in that building, Dad," I agreed, "Mom's placed all the thingies around the first floor already. She's moving up to the first floor... ouch," I winced, "Yeah, that guy isn't getting up again. My bugs are pointing out the traps. She's avoiding them all - do you think she could teach me how to cartwheel like that? I could never get the hang of it. Er, anyway," I avoided his obviously amused stare, "Looks like she's done. All thingies are placed and she's coming out."

"Darling," he scolded, "We're professionals. We don't call the tools of our trade 'thingies'."

"Sorry," I muttered with a blush, "But you didn't tell me what they were for."

"I wanted it to be a surprise," he smiled, "Ah, I see Midnight. Excellent."

Mom came out of a window, climbing up to the roof - and used her grappling hook to get back over to the opposite roof we were standing on.

"Well, then," Ocean reached into his pocket, and pulled out a remote with a large, green button, "As this is your first job as part of the team, I propose that Skitter should do the honours," he handed it to me.

I looked uncertain. "We aren't blowing it up, are we?"

"No, dear," he said reassuringly, "Don't worry. It's not a detonator. Trust me when I say that blowing up that particular building would be a spectacularly bad idea."

This was possibly the biggest secret to their success. Ocean was believed to be some kind of Thinker, capable of making utterly implausible plans work - that was partially true, but it left a major part out.

He was also a Tinker.

I sighed. If I couldn't trust my parents, who could I trust? I pressed the button.

And then I stared as things stopped making sense.

I'm not sure how long I kept staring, in fact.

"Well done, dear," Mom wrapped me in a hug, "Oh, I'm so proud! Our little thief in her first heist! Quick, Ocean, take a picture."

"Already done," he said, putting the camera away, "I'll be sure to make a copy to send to Armsy, too. Well, then, shall we leave? Skitter?"

"Buh."

"Skitter, darling? Are you alright?" Mom sounded concerned, "Oh dear, I think we broke her again, dear. You probably should have told her what those devices were going to do."

"I wanted it to be a surprise," he frowned, "After all, it's not every day you see teleportation of inorganic materials on a scale that large."

"Shame about the clothes of the gentlemen down there," Midnight offered, "But it was a good idea. Why steal everything in the building when you can just steal the building? So much less effort."

"It opens up a few possibilities, too," Dad agreed, "Maybe we could steal the Protectorate building?"

"What about landmarks?" Mom pondered, "I was always fond of the Hollywood sign."

"Abuh."

* * *

The next day:

 **"WHERE THE HELL IS MY GODDAMN WORKSHOP?!"**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Worm, it belongs to Wildbow.**

* * *

"Ready, dear?"

I nodded at Dad's question. We were currently stood atop the roof of the Brockton Bay Central Bank - Mom and Dad decided that we should do some spontaneous robbery earlier this morning.

Dad assured me that he had set up an appropriately dramatic entrance. I didn't have the heart to tell him that wasn't the reason I was concerned.

"Well then, Honey," Mom commanded, "Do it."

"As you wish, your Majesty," Dad said with a grin, pressing another one of those green buttons that I had quickly learned tended to coincide with things that it hurt my brain to think about.

And then, a perfect circle was cut out from the flat region of the bank roof we were standing on - forming a platform that began to float us gently down into the building proper.

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" Dad announced as we descended, "As you may be able to surmise from our presence, this is a robbery!"

"Please don't be alarmed, unless you value your belongings, in which case, be very alarmed - oh," Mom trailed off as we observed the unusual sight that made up the interior of the bank.

The bank customers were on the floor, holding their hands above their heads, while four obvious capes were staring at our entrance in shock.

One was a blonde girl, possibly around my age, in a skin-tight purple suit and domino mask, standing over the hostages. A heavy-set girl in rather plain clothes with no mask stood over by the side of the room, surrounded by three enormous monstrous dog things. A young man in biker leather with a skull-themed bike helmet was in the centre of the room, while another boy who looked like something out of a renaissance fair leaned against the wall.

"Well, this is awkward," I muttered.

"Ah," Dad began apologetically, "Sorry. We didn't realise someone else had called dibs."

"You!" the girl in the purple stared at us, taking a step forward and making me a little more tense.

"Yes," Mom continued, "Sorry to interrupt. We'll just be heading out. Don't mind us."

"YOU!" the creepy girl in the purple was moving ever closer. I suppressed the urge to call my swarm in and start making things hurt.

"Tattletale?" The biker boy asked, sounding surprised. I then finally realised who these people were - the Undersiders, a young villain group who Mom and Dad had described as 'Up-and-Comers with some potential'. That would make tall, dark and scary Grue, the girl with the dogs was Bitch, Shakespeare over by the wall was Regent and the girl approaching us with scary determination must have been Tattletale. She stopped in front of Dad, staring at him intensely for a few, silent moments.

"CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?" She finally blurted out, pulling out a card (which struck me as an odd thing to carry in your utility belt). I honestly thought that I could see actual little stars shining in her eyes at that moment.

"Guh?" I heard Grue sputter.

Dad chuckled. "Of course," he said genially, "Anything for a fan."

"Um... can you address it to Tattletale," she asked shyly, "Seriously, you're my heroes! Or, well, villains."

"They do need to update that phrase," Dad agreed amiably as he signed the card and passed it to Mom.

"Abuh." Huh, it was strange seeing that happen to somebody else for once.

"Here you go," he handed the fully-signed card back to her and she actually squealed while hugging it to her chest. She then, apparently, finally remembered the situation we were in.

"Oh, but, you don't need to go if you don't want to!" She cried almost desperately, "Maybe you could stay and observe and give us some tips? Please?"

"I suppose we could do our bit to help the next generation of lawbreakers," Mom mused, "And we do like your style from what we've seen of you kids so far."

"SERIOUSLY?" Tattletale squealed in delight again, "Grue! Did you hear that? Grue! Grue?"

Meanwhile, I had gone over to pat the broken Grue on the back. "Don't worry, this happens around them all the time," I consoled him gently, "They just enter a situation and everything stops making sense. You'll get used to it."

"Grbblllbblll."

"...Maybe."

* * *

 _Meanwhile - Protectorate HQ - Dragon_

"Dragon."

"Yes, Colin?"

"I believe I have found the solution."

Dragon's face blinked on her usual screen. "Solution to what, Colin?"

"I have found the way to finally defeat Ocean and the Midnight Feline," he began, "And I need your help."

"Oh?" She knew that phrase never led anywhere good. After all, they had pretty much routinely humiliated him for the best part of a decade, despite the many plans and countermeasures he had tried to come up with in that time-span.

"They have multiplied their forces," he began, "Through reproduction. Therefore, I need to even the odds, by also reproducing."

"C-Colin? What are you saying?" Dragon was sure that if she was able to blush, she would be doing it right now.

"I'm saying, that I need you," he said intensely - Dragon's imagination went wild, she saw herself walking down the aisle in a big flowery dress, Colin waiting for her in a smart tuxedo, then they would go on honeymoon to a tropical island, and they would go back to the hotel room, and then they would - "To help me find an acceptable partner that fits this list of parameters."

And then the Simurgh knocked down the hotel.

"...What?" She made sure she heard him correctly.

"I have created a list of parameters for an acceptable partner to produce offspring who could assist me against the Demons," he repeated, "I need your help to narrow down possible partners who fit these criteria. I have mainly accounted for observational skills, reflexes, resourcefulness and vigilance but if you have any other recommendations on that front it will be helpful."

"You... you... you IDIOT!" She shouted at him before her screen shut off, leaving a silent room.

"...I don't understand," he frowned, before he shook his head, "I see. I must have missed an extremely obvious quality from the list. I need to research this further before I ask again."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, I own nothing.**

* * *

It was a group of miserable, confused and thoroughly defeated teenage superheroes who trudged back into their meeting room to go over the days' events.

For a moment, they all simply sat in silence, while Aegis stood next to a whiteboard, trying to come up with the right words.

"Alright," he began finally, "Despite all appearances, today was..." he trailed off and shook his head, "No, OK. I know you guys probably don't feel it right now, but today was..." he sighed. "I'm sorry, I can't do it. Today sucked, really hard."

That finally got nods and murmurs of agreement from the rest of the room.

"So, since very little went right," Aegis said with a grimace, "Let's focus on the many, many things that went wrong."

"We were only expecting the Undersiders," Kid Win put in immediately, "Instead, we got the Undersiders, and the cape team who routinely make one of the most competent heroes in the Protectorate look like a first-night rookie."

"Yes," Aegis sighed, "That's probably a good place to start. At least, in that case, we got lucky. Ocean and the Midnight Feline don't kill. Imagine if it had been another villainous cape group who surprised us? It might have gone a lot worse. Now, I know you probably don't want to talk about it," he said sympathetically, "I don't either. But we need to go over how the fight went."

"They took our two heaviest hitters out of the fight pretty much immediately," Kid Win then offered, "When Skitter... incapacitated Clockblocker," he said with an apologetic glance at the boy in question as the other wards, even Shadow Stalker, shot him sympathetic looks.

"Bugs," Clockblocker muttered, looking haunted, "Bugs everywhere. Spiders, and wasps, and crawly, skittery things, crawling on your face, in your nostrils, down your -"

"-Yes, incapacitated," Kid Win interrupted him firmly.

"And I wasn't able to focus on utilising my power," Vista said in a dead tone, "Because the Midnight Feline had picked me up, and was carrying me around, squealing about how cute I was. She then started drawing kitten features on my visor, in permanent marker."

"As for me," Aegis held a hand to his forehead. "I was incapacitated," he took a deep breath, "As Hellhound and her dogs decided to literally have a game of 'fetch', using me as the stick. I've never seen a group of animals look so happy at the prospect of throwing me several hundred feet. Which left Stalker, Browbeat, Gallant and Kid Win."

"I wasn't able to do much," Browbeat hung his head, "Because Regent was using his power to make me slap myself in the face, repeatedly, while asking me "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?" he clenched his fist desperately, "I wasn't! I wasn't hitting myself!"

"I tried to shoot Ocean," Shadow Stalker said in a sullen tone, "He stole my crossbow. Then he stole my backup crossbow. And then he stole every other hidden weapon I had on me. Then I tried to punch him," she audibly swallowed, "he stole my hand."

There was a quiet moment, as everyone contemplated the ridiculousness of that statement.

"How was that even possible?" Aegis finally broke the silence, noting that his team-mates' hand was obviously attached at the moment.

"I don't know," she shrugged helplessly, "One second, I was swinging for him, the next, my wrist has nothing attached to it and he's prodding me in the face with my own index finger. I pretty much freaked at that point, but just before they made their escape, it was back, as if it had never come off. Blood didn't fly out or anything."

"So, assume Ocean is total bullshit," Aegis wrote it down on the whiteboard.

"They stole all my stuff, too," Kid Win ventured, and started listing things off, "My gun, my hoverboard, the change I had in my pocket, the buttons from my phone, my socks..."

"Alright, we get it," Aegis stopped him, "And finally, Gallant."

"I don't know what happened," Gallant said firmly, "One moment, I was getting ready to blast them, the next, I was knocked out."

"Are you sure?" Aegis asked. "Anything that you can rememb-"

"I don't know what happened," Gallant hissed.

"...You don't know. OK," Aegis nodded, "So, basically, we weren't 'beaten'. Hell, they weren't even trying to fight us. We were just plain humiliated. I vote we all repress today as much as we can, blame the whole thing on bad intel and that the next time they try to make us take on Ocean, Skitter and the Midnight Feline, we quit en-mass."

"Agreed."

"Amen."

"Yep."

"Bugs."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Sure."

* * *

"What."

She was sure she must have misheard him. There was no way that sentence had just come out of Armsmaster's mouth.

"I have deduced that to defeat Ocean, The Midnight Feline and their progeny, I need to reproduce and have progeny of my own," Armsmaster repeated, "I asked Dragon for her assistance in narrowing down a partner within a list of acceptable parameters, but she became uncharacteristically angry and has refused communication with me ever since."

Hannah took a deep breath to calm herself down, and tried to wrap her head around the utter nonsense Armsmaster was bothering her with now.

"We have a team of superpowered teenagers," she began, "Who were just publicly humiliated and traumatised in front of a multitude of cameras and a large audience. Our image has taken an enormous hit in the public eye. The gangs are no doubt preparing to take advantage of this by strengthening their positions," she clarified, "And you're asking for me to utilise my valuable time to help you get laid."

"It is vital to the successful capture of - you're right, I'll ask someone else," Armsmaster said quickly as a rather large missile launcher materialised on her shoulder.

* * *

Coil stared intently at the small slips of paper that had somehow made it to his office desk, as though if he stared hard enough, the problems they represented would simply disappear.

He wasn't sure what was more concerning - the contents of the notes in question, or that they were able to deliver them in the first place without him knowing.

 _Dear Coil,_

 _We really liked your minions, so we decided to steal them from you._

 _Yours,_

 _Ocean, The Midnight Feline and Skitter_

 _P.S. Nice cup._

 _Dear Former Boss,_

 _Sorry, we quit._

 _Thanks for the cash,_

 _The Undersiders_

He glanced around his office. As expected, he couldn't find his favourite cup, the one with 'Number One Bad Motherfucker' on it, anywhere.

"Bastards," he muttered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, I own nothing.**

* * *

One of Dad's first reactions to finding out about my power was to mention that it was perfect for reconnaissance.

He was right. Very, very right.

So right, in fact, that I was quite happily spying on a meeting of just about every super-villain in town, bar us, through several hundred different little eyes. The topic? Us, of course.

At the meeting were Kaiser and several members of the Empire 88, while the ABB contingent consisted of the massive, metallic-masked Lung and the stoic Oni Lee (apparently Bakuda refused to leave her new, and slowly developing workshop, in case we stole it again. The woman was obviously quite insane - we would never be as predictable as to steal the same thing twice. Unless it belonged to Armsmaster, of course).

Also present were Coil, in his creepy little black bodysuit thing, the Travellers, an out-of-town group of super-villains with some heavy hitters, Faultline's crew, a respectably professional group of mercenaries, and finally, to the disgust of everyone there, Skidmark, Mush and Squealer of the Merchants, who hadn't been allowed to sit at the big boys' table and were fuming silently in a booth.

Tattletale had mentioned that the Undersiders probably would have been invited too, if not for our blatant and public recruitment of them.

It was quite the ego-boost to consider that so many villainous capes considered you important enough that they would put aside their differences to discuss how to deal with you.

"Now that particular disruption is settled," Faultline began, "We have been hired to host this meeting. The topic is how to make Ocean, Skitter and the Midnight Feline stop their crippling bouts of kleptomania against the villain factions of Brockton Bay."

"It has become very bad for business," Kaiser frowned, "They have somehow stolen every arms shipment I have tried to import into the city. Every time the trucks and shipping containers are opened, we expect to see rifles and ammunition, instead we get leaflets admonishing us about how unsafe firearms are. My underlings are being forced to threaten people with replicas."

Well now, that's information that should really be revealed to the public at large.

"The most overt action they took against us was stealing Bakuda's workshop," Lung grunted, "Though I keep finding them in my hideout from time to time, muttering something about 'finding the hoard'. I do not know what they refer to, but they are too slippery to catch. And no," he then growled in frustration, "For the last time, they did not steal Lee's personality. He did not have one to begin with."

Huh. I decided I'd best let Mom know that he really didn't have a hoard of treasure. She'd be crushed, she was so sure.

"I am finding it difficult to continue my operations," Coil sounded furious, "Due to a lack of mobility. Every time I try to procure vehicles for my operatives, they go missing the next day. Last week, my men had to ride the bus. Ride the bus! Do you have any idea how demeaning it is for your elite mercenaries to have to ride the fucking bus to their objective? And having to launder counterfeit all-day travel tickets?"

Kaiser raised an eyebrow. "You launder all-day travel tickets?"

"Well I can't pay for them," Coil said defensively, "That would be legal."

It said a lot about this meeting when that statement generated a round of agreeing nods. It said even more about me that I nodded in agreement too.

Skidmark then piped up. "Yeah, well-"

"We don't care," came the instant response from literally everyone else in the room. Skidmark scowled and sat back down, stewing away in his booth.

"For our part, we only really encounter them when we're on the job," Faultline noted, "Particularly, if we've been hired to protect something they want to steal. Or rather," she corrected, "Since they want to steal everything, if we've been hired to protect something. We haven't ever actually stopped them, of course, but I believe we came closer than anyone else did at one point."

They really did. Faultline and her crew had been hired to guard a bit of valuable Tinkertech that was going on the Black Market - we were quite impressed at how they managed to get so much out of what really should have been a fairly unimpressive group of powers, apart from Labyrinth's ability, that we were still tentatively calling 'Bullshit Projection'.

"So, what do we do about it?" Coil asked, "I understand it was Allfather who initially suggested," or begged, as Mom and Dad recalled it, "That targeting the Protectorate would be a more challenging prospect for them. They seem to have gotten bored of that approach, now."

"Yes," Kaiser agreed, "One of his brighter ideas."

"They are three people," Lung grunted, "Seven if you now include the Undersiders. I could crush them on my own."

"In a straight fight? Of course you could," Kaiser nodded, "Because they do not fight. They do not need to fight. They will merely steal your entire operation from around you while you sit impotently, unable to catch them. If brute force was an option it would have been tried long ago, as you know."

Lung snorted, but did not argue.

"So, what would you suggest?" Coil asked.

"I don't suppose you could convince them to move to another city?" Trickster suggested, "Or perhaps even suggest that they target the Sl-" he was cut off as Kaiser and Lung literally dived over the table to clamp their hands over his mouth.

"That is never to be suggested," Lung growled, "Never."

"We do not want to know what will happen if those lunatics interact with those lunatics," Kaiser hissed.

Trickster sagged as they pulled away. "Right. Sorry. I wasn't aware that was a rule."

Hmm. What was that about? It might have been worth looking into. I would make sure to mention it to Mom and Dad later.

"And suggesting for them to move to another city was already brought up before," Kaiser sighed after he sat back down, "Somehow, word of the plan got out. The reigning factions of Brockton Bay at the time shortly received a notice from every major super-villain group in the world, and even a few independent hero groups, that if we tried to point them at anyone else's territory, the rest would band together, march on Brockton Bay and make our spines into umbrella stands."

"Ah," Trickster nodded, "I can see how that would be inconvenient."

"Naturally, Marquis was still happy to go ahead," Kaiser reminisced, "The rest outvoted him."

"So, what you're basically saying is," Faultline interjected, "There's nothing that can be done other than ramping up security on everything and hoping that, at some point, they get bored and go away."

"How about -"

"Shut up, Skidmark," everyone said.

"...It seems like it," Kaiser then confirmed.

"So this meeting was, from the start, effectively useless as anything other than an opportunity to have a bitching session with each other about how annoying they are," the mercenary surmised.

Lung growled. "I do not bitch. I express my displeasure."

"Yes, yes, that," Faultline waved him off as the floodgates opened and the meeting finally dissolved into countless fits of bitter complaining.

Nodding to myself, I checked my notes on the meeting. I decided to have Tattletale go over the minutes I had taken to make sure there wasn't some kind of hidden subtext I'd missed, but on the whole, I was fairly sure they weren't going to try anything.

Which was good, as we really didn't need that kind of trouble. After all, Mom and Dad had a job in mind for me and the Undersiders - the catch was, we were supposed to plan it out and pull it off without them. 'We can't hold your hands every time you want to relieve someone of their belongings', Mom had said. God damn it, I wanted my hand holding. Hand holding was good.

But there was no use, ahem, expressing my displeasure about it, and so, in the coming days, I was going to be leading the Undersiders in an entirely unsupervised attempt to steal something from Armsmaster that even Mom and Dad had never stolen before, something integral to his image and possibly to his very being.

Yes. We were going to steal his _beard_.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow.**

* * *

 _\- Four days ago-_

"Now then, Ladies and Gentlemen," I said authoritatively to the group of four teens sitting around the living room while we wired up a projector, "We've finally got our plan. It's relatively simple, so Tattletale and I will go over the entire thing, and if you have any questions, ask them. We need to know if there are any glaring holes in this."

"There shouldn't be, of course," Tattletale interjected with the appropriate level of smug, "I helped design it. Now, the first thing we are going to do is lower their guard and create a distraction."

"Cue Operation Barber Shop, phase one: Boy Who Cried Wolf," I said with a savage grin as the first slide came up - a picture of Clockblocker.

"It occurred to me," I begin innocently, "That dear old Clockblocker has developed somewhat of a healthy apprehension towards bugs since our last encounter. We're going to use that. Here's how...

 _\- Two days ago -_

"SHE'S HERE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Aegis blinked as Clockblocker came running down the corridor of the protectorate building, screaming in terror.

"Clockblocker," he said with as much authority as he could muster, "Calm down and tell me what's going on."

"S-She's here," The terrified time-stopper yelped, lowering his noise level from 'screaming panic' to 'quiet terror'.

Aegis frowned. "Who's here?"

"Skitter," Clockblocker hissed, "And her army of bugs. I saw them. They were in my room, forming up into little crawly ranks and regiments!"

"Alright," Aegis sighed, "Let's check it out."

Clockblocker's ' army of bugs' turned out to be a single moth, floating around near the ceiling.

"Dennis," Aegis sighed, "I thought you said you were getting better."

"I am!" Clockblocker said defensively, "They were there! I'm telling you!"

"Look, just make sure to go and see the Doc tomorrow, alright?" Aegis shook his head as he walked out of the room.

"But they were there, they were..." Clockblocker sat up on his bed, twitching at every imagined movement.

 _-One day ago-_

"THEY WERE DEFINITELY THERE THIS TIME!"

Gallant raised an eyebrow as a hysterical Clockblocker charged into the Wards' male dressing room. "What's up, Dennis?"

"Skitter's bugs! They're invading! Aegis didn't believe me, but this time, they were forming phrases! How could they know what I did last summer? I don't even know what I did last summer!"

Gallant stood up. "Alright, Dennis. Calm down. We'll sort this out."

A few minutes later, Gallant was looking decidedly unimpressed. "Dennis, it's a spider. One spider."

"But... they were here before! I saw them!" Clockblocker protested.

"Look, Dennis, there's nothing wrong with being afraid of bugs," Gallant began gently, "Most people would be in the same boat as you, if they'd had your experiences. There's also no shame in getting help."

"But... that's not..." the other Ward sputtered.

"Just... promise me you'll think about it, all right?"

 _-Present-_

Hannah felt her eye twitch as Clockblocker ran into the control room while she found herself on monitor duty, screaming about an army of bugs again. This was the third time in as many days.

"You know, Dennis," she said evenly as he sputtered out yet another story, "Between Armsmaster, and you, I've recently started to realise that far too many of my problems can be solved by a sufficient application of fire-power."

She turned her chair around to face the now-even-more-terrified teen hero, casually spinning an unusually large pair of pistols. Clockblocker gulped.

As Miss Militia got more and more caught up with letting off steam and expressing her dissatisfaction with Clockblocker and his antics, she managed to miss what was happening on the monitors.

 _-Four days ago-_

"Now, once we've got our distraction, we put boots on the ground," Lisa continued, "Taylor, Alec. You'll be sneaking in. We've picked out a window on the east-side ground floor that will be perfect. Rachel, you're our getaway transport, so you'll be waiting outside with the dogs, Brian will cover their escape, so he'll be with you."

"You won't have much in the way of brute force," Brian pointed out reasonably.

"We don't need it," I counter, "We don't intend to be seen. We've planned this so that most of the Protectorate heroes are out - and we've arranged for something suitable to grab their attention and draw out the PRT troops as much as possible. Don't worry about it, we've got it all covered."

"Alright," Alec nodded, "So what's next?"

"To put it simply," I continue to explain, "We make our way towards Armsmaster's lab-bedroom, while Lisa will remotely hack their cameras and the door controls for his lab."

 _-Present-_

"Wow," Regent whispered, "You guys really did leave them with a skeleton crew tonight. What the hell did you arrange?"

"I'll tell you later," I whispered back, "For now, keep it down."

We made our way through the building - it was the early hours of the morning, and a few of the lights were off. We dodged a couple of patrolling PRT troopers, but Regent was right - most of their manpower was out dealing with our arrangements, aside, of course, from Armsmaster, who was still on lockdown at the base due to some kind of protocols.

"Alright," Lisa's voice came over the comms as we found ourselves in front of a rather foreboding-looking door, "That's it."

-Four days ago-

"This is where we need you at the top of your game," I say to Alec, "We managed to get his schedule. You see, he's planning to work on his tranquillisers that day..."

 _-Present-_

Armsmaster span around, Halberd in hand, as the door opened unexpectedly. "Who's-" he was cut off as his arms involuntarily jerked towards him - and the needle extending from the tip of his halberd jabbed him in the neck. "Oh god dam..n..." he hit the floor with a thump.

-Four days ago-

"Now," Lisa interjected, "Armsmaster has proximity alarms linked to footstep sensors through the floor in his lab. Any unauthorised footsteps even an inch into the room will instantly trigger an intruder alarm through the base, and will pretty much guarantee you'll get caught."

"How will we get around that, then?" Alec asked with a frown.

"Well..."

 _-Present-_

"You're up," Regent whispered.

I nodded. And at my direction, my miniature air force advanced into the room.

-Four days ago-

"Butterflies are relatively silent fliers, compared to buzzing insects," I explained, the slide showing an image of a fairly common species of Butterfly, "And tend to be larger and stronger than moths. Strong enough to carry cargo, with a bit of practice - specifically, this kind of cargo."

The slide flicked again - this time showing a close-up of a carpenter ant.

"These guys have powerful little mandibles - more than powerful enough to chew through chin-hairs, for example. The butterflies drop them directly onto the target, and my little barber force gets to work. I estimate that with my direct control, a force of several hundred Carpenter Ants should take less than five minutes to clear off his beard."

"You're going to cut his beard off with ants," Brian deadpanned.

"Yes," I nodded, "They're small enough that they can go right down to the root, too. It won't exactly be a clean shave, but it'll do the job. They couldn't do it naturally, of course, but with my control, they're capable of a lot more precision than normal."

 _-Present -_

"Aren't your freaky little hairdressers done yet?" Alec hissed.

"Almost - right, got it. Time to bug out," I confirmed.

He groaned.

"What?" I frowned under my mask, "It's a perfectly good pun."

 _-Four days ago-_

"You then get the hell out of there. I estimate it will take Miss Militia around thirty-seven minutes to stop beating the shit out of Clockblocker and remember that she has an actual job to do. You need to be nearly out by that point, and the window you'll use to enter will be too far away." Lisa explained.

"And that's where you come in," I said to Rachel and Brian, "How high can those dogs jump, and how do you feel about pulling off a mid-air pickup?"

 _-Present-_

We broke open a pre-determined window, three stories up, while alarms blared out throughout the building.

"Signal away," I said to Regent as my fireflies began swarming around the space in front of the window - forming the signal. I mentally counted down - three, two, one -

I leapt out of the window. For a horrible second or so, I wondered if this is going to go wrong, and I was going to end up as a smear on the pavement - before something impacted me in mid-air. I found myself securely held in place by Grue as Brutus landed neatly on the ground, his bulk padding the fall nicely.

I looked back - Bitch caught Regent cleanly too, and Angelica had just set down as I turned around.

"Grue," I ordered as PRT troops began opening windows to aim in our direction, "Blackout."

Darkness covered the area around us as our impromptu mounts started moving again - this time to get the hell out of there. I held up a small, seal-able freezer bag full of what was unmistakeably dark hair and inspected it as the city rushed by.

I tried to tell myself I was only in this to keep Mom and Dad out of trouble, but I think I knew, at this point, that wasn't true. I couldn't help the triumphant grin that lit up my face.

* * *

 _-The next day-_

Hannah grimaced again as she recalled the events of last night. It seemed she owed Clockblocker an apology - Skitter genuinely had broken in, alongside several of the Undersiders, while most of the Protectorate were busy dealing with a Lung so doped up on a strange mixture of obscure hallucinogens that he went out calling himself 'Lock Master L', demanded that the Triumvarate come out to meet him on the dance-floor so he could 'wreck their moves like he wrecked Leviathan', and commanded the ABB to form a flash-mob in the streets (who knew Oni Lee could break?)

She didn't even know what their objective was...

She felt like slapping herself upside the head. Armsmaster. Of course they were here for Armsmaster. There was literally nobody else it could have been, he should have been the first thing she checked in on. She had just turned to head towards his lab and find out what was missing this time, when a male scream of what she could only describe as anguish, in its purest form, rang out across the entire building.

She allowed herself a weary sigh, and doubled her pace.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, I own nothing.**

* * *

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 **Topic: What.**

 **In: Boards ► Locations ► United States ► Brockton Bay**

 **HastalaVista** (Original Poster) (Veteran Member)

Posted on March 24, 2011:

So, I was walking home from work, last night, and I came across this.

Yes, your eyes do not decieve you. That is a video of Lung, or as he apparently now prefers to be known, 'Lock Master L', and the entire ABB trying to goad the Protectorate and PRT into a massive dance-off.

1:54 for Lock Master L popping and locking like a pro.

3:59 for Oni Lee breaking down.

7:35 for Lock Master L calling out the Triumvirate.

So, naturally, I have questions:

1\. How, and why, could this have possibly happened?

2\. Does the second B in ABB not actually stand for 'Bad'?

3\. Why did the Triumvirate chicken out?

4\. Do I want to live in this city any more?

 **(Showing Page 1 of 1)**

 **Eidoloon** Replied on March 24, 2011: Wow. Oni Lee has serious skills. I mean, yes, he's an insane murderhobo, but god damn can the man bottom-rock.

 **ArmsmasterBrandPants** Replied on March 24, 2011: After watching this informative and fascinating video, I feel I should provide an appropriate response... what is this i dont even

 **Winged_One** Replied on March 24, 2011: I approve.

 **Uber** (Verified Cape) Replied on March 24, 2011: Oh god. I can't stop laughing at this. This actually happened. I can't believe this genuinely happened.

 **XxVoidCowboyxX** Replied on March 24, 2011: Maybe they're turning over a new leaf?

 **TinFoilCauldron** (Veteran Member) Replied on March 24, 2011: Fake. Got to be fake.

 **HastalaVista** (Original Poster) (Veteran Member) Replied on March 24, 2011: TinFoilCauldron I recorded it myself. I assure you it's extremely real.

 **Uber** (Verified Cape) Replied on March 24, 2011: Seriously though, I bet I could beat Oni Lee.

 **L33t** (Verified Cape) Replied on March 24, 2011: Uber Dude, you'd only win because of your hax. Lee would stomp vanilla you.

 **Hammertime** Replied on March 24, 2011: I'm really not sure if I can take Lung and the ABB seriously, any more. I mean, theoretically, I know I should, but... this.

 **End of Page. 1**

Lung closed the laptop, in anger.

"I have been... insulted," he intoned, "Humiliated."

Oni Lee stood stoically nearby, while Bakuda nodded solemnly. The unpowered goons nearby looked terrified.

"This insult," he growled, "It will not stand."

He stood up, slowly, his full height towering over everyone else in the room.

"We will deal with these cowards, immediately," the leader of the ABB continued, "They will rue the day they attempted such treachery!"

"It's disgraceful," Bakuda put in angrily. Oni Lee simply nodded.

"Lee," Lung ordered, "Get the mats. We're going to New York. If they will not face me in my own territory, I will face them in theirs! It does not matter what the medium, no man, woman or creature on this planet ignores a direct challenge from **me!** "

Lee nodded, and left to retrieve the mats in question.

"Bakuda," Lung turned to the Tinker, "You will provide the beats for our funky war machine."

"Yes," she agreed, "They've never seen a boom-box like the one I'll show them."

"Good," Lung, no, Lock Master L said with savage glee, before snapping at the unpowered grunts nearby, "Well, what are you waiting for? Start preparing! The ABB is going to war! We start with Legend - only once he is left crying on the ground at his lack of groove will we move onto Alexandria and Eidolon. Together, they may have stood a chance," he chuckled darkly, "How unfortunate that due to their cowardice, that chance is now gone."

* * *

 _Meanwhile, what Ocean and the Midnight Feline were doing while the kids were out playing:_

"...Contessa, what the hell are you doing?"

"Path to getting my FUCKING HATS BACK!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, I own nothing.**

* * *

I woke up.

Yawning, I rolled out of bed, trying to blink the sleep out of my eyes. Still in my pyjamas, I decided to walk into the kitchen at our cape hideout to make some breakfast. We slept over here last night, instead of at the house - trying to come up with a feasible way to steal Scion's white suit. So far, we hadn't come up with a real plan, as I was adamant that applying an extremely powerful adhesive to a puppy and putting it up a tree wouldn't work, but I was sure we would get there eventually.

Walking out of my bedroom, past the Hideout's main room and towards the kitchen, I pondered what to have. Cereal? Toast? Maybe -

Wait. What?

Blinking, I turned away from the kitchen and back into the main room.

The empty main room.

Huh.

 _"I didn't move anything,"_ Brian said over the phone, _"I wouldn't do that without checking with your folks first, and your folks terrify me more than anything else on this planet, so I wouldn't do that."_

"Yeah, I know," I sighed, "Just had to make sure. Sorry to wake you."

 _"No problem,"_ he replied, _"Let me know when you find out what's up."_

With that, he hung up. I frowned. Alec, Rachel and now Brian hadn't done anything. I tentatively tried the last number on my list.

 _"Taylor, do you have any idea what time it is?"_

"It's ten in the morning on Saturday," I said calmly.

 _"Precisely,"_ Lisa yawned, _"That's, like, sunrise. So what do you need?"_

"Did you move any of the stuff at the Hideout last night?" I asked hopefully.

 _"No, why would I do - damn,"_ her voice took on a note of awe, _"You've been robbed. Who the hell would be crazy enough to rob you guys?"_

"Never mind," I frowned to myself, "Go back to bed."

I decided to check on Mom and Dad. Walking to their room, I listened carefully at the door for a moment to make sure I wasn't going to walk in on anything horrifying (I shuddered in remembrance of my trigger) before knocking and walking in.

"Mom, Dad," I asked curiously, "Did we rob ourselves?"

They both sat up. "Not that I remember, dear," Mom frowned, "Why?"

"Well," I bit my lip, "All the stuff in the main room is gone. Including that hat collection you brought back last week."

They shared a look.

A few minutes later, Mom and Dad were staring at an empty room.

"Well," Dad said in surprise, "This is new."

"Darling," Mom scratched her head, "Who on earth would be idiotic enough to do this?"

"Well," Dad thought it over, "I'm trying to work that out myself. It's obviously linked to someone we've hit recently, but I can't think of anyone that really fits the bill."

"I don't suppose that lady with the hat collection was a cape and we didn't know it?" Mom asked.

"Ah. Damn, that makes far too much sense," Dad said in realisation.

"So... what do we do?" I voiced the obvious question.

"Isn't it obvious, dear?" Mom smiled, "We robbed them, they robbed us back. At the moment, that makes us even," her smile turned vicious, "We don't do even."

"Looks like we're going on a family holiday," Dad agreed, "To teach this misguided individual the error of their ways through an application of possession-reduction therapy."

"Taylor," Mom commanded, "Call up the Undersiders. We want everyone on this. We're going to -"

Plans of revenge were cut off as the outside world started screaming.

It was a siren. A siren we had never heard used properly before, but that we recognised instantly.

The Endbringer siren.

"Well," Dad said after a moment, "That's a bit inconvenient."

* * *

 _-Twenty minutes later-_

Hannah had been in Endbringer fights before - it didn't make her any less nervous at the prospect. She fiddled absently with her power, spawning handguns, knives and small implements of death at random intervals. She decided to walk around to calm her mind.

She spotted the Empire, looking as self-important as ever. Unfortunately, they would be invaluable against Leviathan - they had some serious heavy hitters in their ranks, after all.

She also picked out Uber and Leet, joining the Search and Rescue teams. She idly recalled that Ocean's crew had shown up too - aside from Hellhound, who would be fighting the Endbringer, the rest seemed to be on what Ocean had said was 'technically Search and Rescue'.

She then saw something that stopped her cold. She stared for a moment, before she rubbed her eyes, unsure if she was genuinely seeing this.

Tattletale and Skitter, of Ocean's crew, were stood at a hastily-erected stall, serving queues of parahumans, giving out -

"Halberds! Get your free halberds!" Skitter called.

"Not sure if you can hurt Leviathan? It's worth a try anyway, with one of these tinker-tech beauties!" Tattletale followed suit.

"I'll take one!" one cape called.

"Me, too!"

"You have got to be kidding me," Hannah whispered in disbelief.

"YOU!"

The recently clean-shaven Armsmaster had finally spotted them. His beard still hadn't grown back - it turned out he had been saving up that particular effort for years.

"GIVE ME THOSE, NOW!" he roared.

Skitter tilted her head. "Sir," she told him, "We're trying to improve the fighting ability of our force by giving out these halberds to anyone who needs one. We can't give out more than one to a single cape, there aren't enough to go around as it is."

"You... you..."

"Yes," Tattletale shook her head in disappointment, "There are plenty other capes here, Sir, and you clearly already have a halberd, so please don't be greedy. We're in an Endbringer fight here," she said patronisingly, "We should be sharing."

"Yeah!"

"They're right!"

"Don't try to hog them all for yourself, jerk!"

"But... that's... you..." Armsmaster sputtered as the crowd began to turn on him, "I... haha," he then giggled, "Hahaha. Ha... HAHAHAHAHA!"

The crowd parted as the clearly over-the-edge hero stalked off, giggling to himself madly.

Hannah internally debated going after him.

The debate lasted almost three seconds.

Shrugging, she decided it wasn't her problem and that she should head over to where the Triumvirate were likely to be.

 _-Forty-Five minutes later-_

The rain was thick - almost impossible to see through. It was almost enough to set Hannah's nerves on edge - but not quite enough.

What was setting her nerves on edge, though, was the total lack of communication from Dragon's wristbands. It was several minutes into the fight now, and they hadn't had a single notification of a cape going down or dying. She tried to get a good view of the fight from her position atop the roof of one of Brockton Bay's many buildings - a few other ranged attackers alongside her.

"So, er," Kid Win said awkwardly, "Not that I'm complaining, but don't people generally start going down by now?"

She frowned. "Yes," she agreed, "They normally do. Something must be going on. Capes are definitely fighting Leviathan," she focused through her scope and finally managed to lay eyes on the Endbringer. It swiped a claw down at a hapless cape, who was caught completely unaware - and vanished before the hit landed. "Well," she said in wonder, "That's new."

"Absolutely my finest work," she whirled around as the familiar voice of Ocean resounded from behind her, sounding proud, "A small device that can be attached, completely unknown to the recipient, by something as small as a bug," he began explaining, "It senses when the wearer is in immediate danger of losing their life, and teleports them to a pre-determined location, right before the danger can hit," he smirked, "We tagged every individual in the city with them. Civilians get dropped far from the city, Capes a good way away from the fight."

"You're a Tinker," Hannah realised.

"So _that's_ how you're so bullshit!" Kid Win exclaimed.

"Alas," he gasped dramatically, "My secret is out. Unfortunately," he continued as if he hadn't been interrupted, "The central teleporter linked to these devices is so powerful that we won't be able to power it for more than half an hour before it shorts out and becomes unrepairable due to not having materials sufficient enough to build it from, but that's long enough for what we want."

"Something tells me you didn't do this out of the goodness of your hearts," Hannah interjected.

"You would be correct," Ocean agreed.

"We often pondered, what, exactly, could one steal from an Endbringer?" she jumped as The Midnight Feline made herself known, "They have no possessions. No removable parts. At first glance, there is nothing you can steal from them."

"Then we realised," Ocean continued, "They _do_ have something you can physically take from them. Only one thing - they have no possessions, they have no territory, they have no wealth..."

He gazed out at the apparently frustrated Endbringer, grinning in triumph.

"But they do have _victims._ "

* * *

 _-Meanwhile-_

Armsmaster twitched with mad anticipation, as he found himself alone in a street, Leviathan slowly bearing down on him.

"All systems," he growled, "Designate Leviathan as target _'Fucker'_."

He gave a manic, defiant laugh as the unusually irritated-looking Endbringer closed him down.

"Activate countermeasures."


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Wildbow owns Worm, I own nothing, especially not the series that makes a small cameo in this chapter.**

* * *

For the airborne capes keeping an eye on the Endbringer, the first indicator anyone had that something unusual was going on was when Leviathan came flying head-first out of a street, crashing into a large building with an enormous boom.

Armsmaster slowly idled into view. "Unstoppable force projector," he said calmly, "It sends out a wave of force that will crash into a fucker, and send him flying the fuck away."

Leviathan pulled itself free of the collapsed building, and rushed him. Another wave collided with it - Leviathan lost. It was sent crashing back again.

"When I say unstoppable," Armsmaster said, almost scolding it, "I meant _unstoppable_. But of course, this isn't the only measure I have developed for dealing with particularly troublesome fuckers."

The armour around his shoulders parted, small launchers appearing at each side.

"Fucker-fucking missiles," he said blandly, "I don't know how they work. They do this."

The missiles fired.

Leviathan darted to the side at full-speed in an attempt to dodge. It was in vain, however, as the missiles changed directory in mid-air and continued to follow it - smashing into the torso of the creature and causing a contained explosion of some kind of dark energy.

Leviathan buckled and staggered as large chunks were carved from its body. It turned towards the sea, in an attempt to retreat.

"Oh, no," Armsmaster growled, "We're not done yet."

He activated a button on his wrist. Almost instantly, a square energy shield sprung up, surrounding the pair, and travelling as high as the eye could see. Leviathan crashed into the field and staggered back.

"Fucker-containment field," Armsmaster continued explaining, "For when a fucker needs to stay the fuck _still_."

Leviathan turned back towards him. He hefted his halberd.

"Miniaturisation is my Tinker speciality," his voice took on a lecturing tone, "These devices should probably be mounted on something the size of a large starship. I made them man-portable, mainly because I am so sick and tired of those thieving fuckers constantly absconding with my property. This is my newest halberd design. I call it the Fucker-Annihilator. It makes lightning fall from the sky," he clicked a button and the world lit up. Leviathan staggered again as hundreds of lightning bolts hit it at once.

"It also makes heads implode."

Leviathan's head seemed to cave in on itself over the space of several seconds - leaving a headless body, still standing, and trying to reach Armsmaster.

"So you _don't_ need your head to function," Armsmaster nodded appraisingly, "We'll have to see what else we can remove," he reached for another button, "Now this one, I don't even _know_ what it does. Let's find out."

A beam of energy shot out of the tip of the halberd, hitting Leviathan's left claw. The Endbringer's arm suddenly began changing colour at a rapid pace - in a panic, it lashed out with its other arm, cutting the arm off at the shoulder. Armsmaster observed the fallen limb with curiosity.

"Polystyrene," he muttered, "Huh."

Leviathan got down onto its knees at this point, holding its remaining arm up in the most non-threatening gesture a thirty-foot tall murderer of millions could produce.

Armsmaster pressed another button.

Leviathan collapsed down onto the ground, apparently unable to move.

"Gravity manipulation in a localised area," Armsmaster nodded, "I've never managed that one, before. Isn't today just full of surprises? Nod if you agree. Ah, sorry," he paused, "You can't. So inconsiderate of me." He shrugged, as if to say 'What can you do?'

He looked over the destroyer of Kyushu. Leviathan was in a sorry state at the moment - no head, one arm, large chunks carved from its torso and apparently unable to move.

He pressed a button again. "I actually know what this one does," he nodded to his opponent, "It makes you..."

* * *

The gathered capes watched attentively as Armsmaster explained the next part of his device. Alexandria nodded eagerly at parts of the explanation while reaching for another handful of popcorn from Legend's bucket - the leader of the Protectorate shot her a dirty look and clutched it closer to his chest.

"Mom, Dad." Skitter voiced uncertainly, "This is almost definitely our fault, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely."

"So..." she scratched her head as best she could over the helmet, "Do you think we should stop annoying the man who is currently curb-stomping an Endbringer?"

Ocean and the Midnight Feline gave each other a look. They then looked back at Taylor.

"No."

"Not really."

Skitter audibly sighed. "All right, then."

* * *

"-They took my beard, you know," Armsmaster said conversationally as he practised throwing Leviathan around the force-field with his newly-discovered telekinesis function, "It took me _thirteen years_ to grow that perfect blend of goatee and full-face beard, and they took it from me in a _night_. I was not pleased. I'm sure that if you could grow facial hair, you'd agree."

He let the battered Endbringer drop to the floor and pressed yet another button.

"Oh," he observed the effects with a nod, "Lightning again. This really is doing _wonders_ for my anger issues."

* * *

"Ocean," the Midnight Feline suddenly clutched a hand to her chest, "I've just realised... this is terrible!" she sounded genuinely distraught, and drew a few curious looks.

"What is it, dear?" Ocean asked in concern.

"Well... we're indirectly responsible for _this_ ," she waved towards the scene where Armsmaster was currently using that strange telekinesis again to force Leviathan to kick itself repeatedly in the crotch, "Do you understand what this _means_?"

His tone was confused. "I don't... oh, god," what was visible of his face went pale, and he staggered, "Darling, what will we _do?_ "

"What's wrong?" Skitter asked in confusion, "Have you finally realised that stealing from Armsmaster is a bad idea from now on?"

"No," Ocean shook his head, "No. Skitter, honey..." he forced the words out, "We've become a _public service_."

"The biggest public service _ever_ ," the Midnight Feline sobbed, "Nothing we ever steal will _ever_ make up for this."

"What will we _do?"_ Ocean cried despairingly again.

* * *

"Well," Armsmaster continued, unaware that his greatest nemesis was currently having a breakdown, "I suppose I should finally try out this big red one and see what it does."

A small launcher appeared at the bottom of the halberd. Armsmaster stared at it, nonplussed. Then he shrugged, aimed it at the defeated-looking form of Leviathan, and pressed the button again.

A small, red and white ball shot out, bouncing off the Endbringer harmlessly. It then split open, and Leviathan was transformed into red light and sucked inside. The ball snapped shut, and dropped to the floor. It twitched once, then twice, then a third time, before lying still.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! FOUL!" he heard a cry that, for some reason, sounded vaguely like Uber and Leet, before he shrugged, let the forcefield drop, and went to pick up the ball.

He blinked as applause began to ring out around him, and when he looked at the scene that surrounded him, he froze.

He saw capes of every nationality and every alignment. Villains, heroes, rogues, mercenaries, healers, Tinkers, Thinkers and Brutes, American, British, Russian and others. All applauding loudly, and cheering his name. All apart from two. He then locked eyes on his two greatest arch-enemies... sobbing uncontrollably, as their hell-spawn tried to comfort them. He felt a tear slide down his cheek, and wondered if this was, perhaps, the greatest day of his life.

* * *

 _-Meanwhile-_

Lock Master L stood in the atrium of the headquarters of Protectorate New York, staring at the receptionist with building fury.

 **"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE'S GONE TO FUCKING BROCKTON BAY?"**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Wildbow owns Worm, I own nothing.**

* * *

"...Does anyone else feel kind of redundant right now? Because I feel kind of redundant, right now."

Nobody answered Legend for a moment - until Eidolon spoke up.

"No, it's not just you."

"I concur," Alexandria sighed, "But that is not the major issue here. We need to figure out how this changes things, in the long run. Contessa, what do you think?"

The woman in question, now with her hat again (nobody asked why she didn't have one at the last meeting), looked deep in concentration - and annoyance.

"Every time I try, it says the same thing," she finally snarled, clenching her fists, "No matter what I do. Unavoidable."

"What is unavoidable?" Alexandria asked curiously.

"I need to make a truce with those hat-thieving bastards," she bit out, "Because we need them to keep pissing off Armsmaster until he kills off every major threat to Earth Bet."

There was a moment of silence.

"Hat thieving... god damn, you got robbed," Legend said in awe, "Who would be insane enough to rob _you?"_

"Ocean's Crew," Alexandria held her head in her hands, "The fate of every Earth in the multiverse rests in the hands of Ocean's Crew," she turned to Eidolon sharply, "You must still have a power that can do it. Kill me now."

"No," Eidolon replied simply, "Anyway, what, exactly, should we do while they do that?"

"Well..." Doctor Mother cut in, "Whatever you want. Take a vacation. Find inner peace. Terrify some pickpockets. I'm sure you'll find some way to occupy your time."

The three most influential heroes in the world sat around awkwardly.

Legend then blinked as he received a message on his phone. "Huh."

"What is it?" Alexandria asked.

"Apparently Lung is waiting outside Protectorate Headquarters," Legend offered, "Calling himself 'Lock Master L' and challenging me to a dance battle. He's also apparently saying to my receptionist that once he's done with me, he's coming for you two next."

The Triumvirate shared a look. Then, gravely, they nodded, and spoke as one. "Door me."

* * *

Kaiser was sweating as he threw as many possessions as he could possibly fit in his suitcase.

"Kaiser?"

He turned around to face a confused Purity.

"Ah," he said, "Yes. Purity. Well, as promised, you wanted the Empire - it's yours. Consider yourself the leader of Empire 88."

"I - what?" She sputtered, "You're being serious?"

"Very," Kaiser agreed as he finally finished packing, "You can consider the whole thing yours, effective immediately."

"And Aster?"

"Yes, yes, her, too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a plane to catch," he said as he bustled out of the door.

"Where are you going?" She called after him.

"As far away from here as humanly possible!" he shouted back.

Purity, still in shock, slumped down in Kaiser's office chair. _'This makes no sense. Why would he run from Brockton Bay now, right after it's been put on the map by... Armsmaster...'_ cold sweat made its way toward her brow, ' _Armsmaster. Who just curbstomped an Endbringer. Who the hell wants to run a criminal empire in his city now?'_

She jumped up, pulling out her phone. "Theo? Yes, it's Kayden. Can you pack... well, every suitcase we have? It's important. No, Max won't be a problem. Thanks. Bye."

She then poked her head out to speak to the receptionist outside the door. "Hello," she said, "Can you get Krieg up here for me? Thanks."

* * *

"He completely stole our thing," Leet moaned piteously, "And he did it better than we did."

"Hey, come on, it'll be fine," Uber tried to console his heterosexual life partner, "Think about it. It won't obey him anyway, he doesn't even have any badges."

* * *

 _'Oh, well done, Dragon,'_ the artificial intelligence thought to herself morosely, _'You had to to and get angry with him over something stupid. Now he's gone and beat an Endbringer before you forgave him, and now he'll have girls throwing themselves at him. They'll be carbon-based life forms, and they'll have organic bodies, how are you supposed to compete with that? You really blew it this time.'_

* * *

Director Piggot frowned. "I'm not sure I want to live on this planet, any more."

The other occupant of the office agreed. "Should I look into dimensional transfers?" Miss Militia asked, "If we're lucky, we might find a different one where things make sense."

"Yes," Emily ordered, "Do that."

* * *

The Simurgh was practically a blur as she made her way at full-speed toward the furthest point of the planet from Brockton Bay that she could possibly find.

 _DO NOT APPROVE._

* * *

Coil leaned back in his seat. _'Meh,'_ he thought confidently, _'I can take him.'_

* * *

"So there's absolutely _nobody_ that needs healing?" Panacea pressed, "Nobody at all? It didn't even cause an injury? Not even a cut? A nosebleed? _Anything?"_

"For the twentieth time," the irritated doctor grumbled, "No. Now let me work. I've got paperwork to file."

New Wave's famous healer slumped as the doctor stormed off.

"What's wrong, Ames?" Glory Girl asked curiously, "I thought you'd be happy to get a break."

"Well, it's just..." she frowned, "What the hell am I supposed to _do_ for the next few days?" She turned to her sister, "Say, Vicky, do you think you could-"

"I'm not going to go and beat up someone just so you can heal them," Glory Girl interrupted her firmly, "You need to learn how to step outside your comfort zone, Ames."

* * *

"Actually, I think Brockton Bay would be a terrible vacation spot," Jack said with fake cheer as he turned the car around, "Let's go to... uh, the North Pole."

"But what's in the North Pole, Uncle Jack?" Bonesaw asked innocently.

"Erm..." Jack fumbled for an answer, "Santa Claus?"

"Uncle Jack," Bonesaw scowled adorably, "I know Santa Claus isn't in the North Pole. We killed him last year."

"Damn, we did, didn't we," Jack cursed, "Uh... Penguins?"

"Hmm..." she didn't look convinced.

"And Seals!" He added hastily, "Little baby ones!"

"OK," Bonesaw agreed, "As long as I can make some giant Penguin Seals and make them fight Killer Whales."

"I like Penguins," the Siberian said unexpectedly from the back seat.

Jack and Bonesaw turned to stare at her blankly. She kept gazing ahead, not acknowledging their stares. Finally, she spoke again. "Red."

Jack blinked, and turned to see the upcoming traffic light was indeed on red. "God fucking damn it -" he slammed the brakes hard, the car barely stopping before they reached the light.

"Phew," he sighed in relief, "That was a close one."


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, Worm belongs to Wildbow.**

* * *

 **Welcome to the Parahumans Online Message Boards**

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 **Topic: Armsmaster VS Scion**

 **In: Boards ► Discussions ► VS Debates**

 **Uber** (Original Poster) (Verified Cape)

Posted on May 17, 2011:

So, me and L33t have been having a bit of a discussion about this.

After Armsmaster's recent and cataclysmic stomping of Leviathan, there is some debate over who actually is the worlds biggest badass.

I said it's our man Armsmaster. L33t still thinks it's Scion.

What do you guys think?

 **(Showing Page 1 of 1)**

 **HastalaVista** (Veteran Member) Replied on May 17, 2011: Personally, I give it to Armsmaster - Scion has always driven off Endbringers, but Armsmaster outright made one his bitch. He's shown better feats.

 **ThatGoldenRule** Replied on May 17, 2011: Nah, Scion is still above Armsmaster. He's still got that continent-busting feat, remember, Armsmaster hasn't shown anything on that level yet.

 **Wayward_Son** Replied on May 17, 2011: FFS, when will people shut up about that continent-busting bullshit. One person works out shitty calcs for a missed attack and all of a sudden Scion can casually continent-bust? I don't think so.

 **ThatGoldenRule** Replied on May 17, 2011: Wayward_Son Dude, Scion never even tried against Leviathan, and Leviathan was a country-buster. Him being a continent-buster isn't that unbelievable.

 **ArmsmasterBrandPants** Replied on May 17, 2011: I think Scion has the biggatons, but Armsmaster has the Hax. Armsmaster takes this.

 **Leg-End** Replied on May 17, 2011: Something else to think about - Armsmaster just curb-stomped an Endbringer, yet Ocean's crew routinely and often publically fuck with him and never suffer for it. How fucking terrifying must they be when they stop fooling around?

 **Uber** (Original Poster) (Verified Cape) Replied on May 17, 2011: Leg-End Huh, that's not a bad point. It's not well-known, but Ocean's Crew are actually the reason there weren't any casualties from Levi's attack - apparently one of them is a Tinker, with a specialisation in pure, unadulterated bullshit.

 **ArmsmasterBrandPants** Replied on May 17, 2011: Uber I never heard that. Must have been some serious bullshit to stop him from killing ANYONE before Armsmaster got to him - what kind of tricks are we talking about, here?

 **Uber** (Original Poster) (Verified Cape) Replied on May 17, 2011: They set up some kind of teleportation trick that would take anyone about to be killed by Leviathan out of the battle before they could bite it. Anyone. As in, every single cape and civillian in Brockton Bay.

 **HastalaVista** (Veteran Member) Replied on May 17, 2011: Uber Huh, that's... pretty scary, now I think about it. They can long-distance teleport 300,000+ people? How fucking insane is that? It's no wonder they fuck with Armsmaster like it's their hobby. He's probably the only hero on Earth-Bet capable of actually making it entertaining!

 **End of Page. 1**

 **(Showing Page 2 of 2)**

 **ThatGoldenRule** Replied on May 17, 2011: Dude wtf are you talking about, Scion has, like, a million times more hax than Armsmaster.

 **HastalaVista** (Veteran Member) Replied on May 17, 2011: ThatGoldenRule Haven't seen Scion casually implode an Endbringer's head, or turn their arm into polystyrene, or display Telekinesis on a level that would probably make the Simurgh green with envy. I'm sure he's more hax though, because you say so. This is VS debates. You want to argue this? Bring some goddamn feats.

 **Oven_baked_goods** Replied on May 17, 2011: IMO: 1. Armsmaster 2. Scion 3. Behemoth 4. Simurgh 5. Eidolon

 **Top_Cat** (Unmistakable Leader of the Gang) Replied on May 17, 2011: Never mind that this is a VS debate and not a top-5 thread, and don't worry about adding some substance to your opinion, we never do that here anyway.

 **XxVoid_CowboyxX** Replied on May 17, 2011: 1. Scion 2. Armsmaster 3. Behemoth 4. Simurgh 5. Eidolon

 **Top_Cat** (Unmistakable Leader of the Gang) Replied on May 17, 2011: God fucking damn it.

 **XxVoid_CowboyxX** Replied on May 17, 2011: Top_Cat Dude, what's your problem.

 **Top_Cat** (Unmistakable Leader of the Gang) Replied on May 17, 2011: Void Cowboy My problem is this:

1\. A decent poster

2\. The spam-bot who keeps advertising cheap superpowers

3\. The computer virus that infected my laptop last week

4\. The shit I had in the toilet 10 minutes ago

5\. You.

You are the worst poster to have ever existed on any forum, ever. I can only assume that your very existence is some kind of enormous joke the internet decided to play on the members of Parahumans Online. Your keyboard must be caked in brown because all you're capable of producing on it is faecal matter. Every time you attempt to contribute to a thread, it gets worse in every conceivable way. You're like the Endbringer of the internet. I'm going to block you now, I don't know why I never did it before, and I hope that I never have to interact with you again. Good day.

 **End of Page.** **1** **, 2**

* * *

I was interrupted from reading the latest stimulating debates and people insulting Void Cowboy by a knock at the door.

"Taylor," Mom called from the kitchen, "Get the door, please."

"All right," I sighed, closing the laptop and getting up from my position on the living room couch, "Be there in a moment."

I opened it, and blinked at the sight of an attractive, European-looking woman in a sharp, well-fitted suit and a fetching fedora (I'm sure I'd seen that hat before), holding a white flag.

"Parley," she said seriously.

I stared for a moment, before turning back around. "Mom, Dad," I called, "It's for you."

"Who is it, dear?" Mom called from the kitchen.

"A crazy person in a suit," I called back.

I saw the woman twitch out of the corner of my eye.

"Are they preaching?" Dad asked from upstairs.

"I don't - hang on," I turned back to the woman, "Are you preaching?"

"No," she said, fist clenched unusually tight around the flagpole, "I'm not preaching."

"No," I shouted back upstairs, "She says she's not preaching."

"Is she sure she's not preaching?" Dad asked again.

I turned around. "Are you sure you're not preaching?"

"I am not here to preach," she ground out.

I nodded, turning back towards the house. "Yes, she's sure she's not preaching!"

There was a moment of silence.

"Tell her we don't want to buy anything," Mom said from the kitchen.

I turned back around. "We don't want to buy -"

"I'm here to speak to Ocean and the Midnight Feline," she was actually shaking in fury as she interrupted me, "I'm not here to preach, I'm not here to sell you anything, as if you thieving bastards would ever actually _pay_ for something anyway, and I'm also rapidly running out of patience. So bring those two ingrates down here right now, so we can talk about business, _or I swear I'll find the Path to turning this fucking house into a pile of ash and rubble with all of you menaces to society in it._ "

I stared at the woman for a moment. "Well, there's no need to be rude about it," I frowned before turning around again, "She says it's about the family business!"

"Fine, fine, I'll be there in a minute, keep your hair on." I heard Dad coming down the stairs. He stopped at the bottom, staring at the visitor.

"Well," he finally said thoughtfully, "I don't think anyone has ever made it _this_ easy for us before."

"I'm here to talk," the woman gritted out, "And establish a... a tr... a _truce_ ," she spat the word out like it was venomous, "Between us."

"And what could you possibly have to offer us that would make us agree to a truce?" Mom appeared from behind me, looking oddly serious.

The hat woman narrowed her eyes. "Because I want to pay you to continue pissing off Armsmaster, as much as metaphysically possible."

It didn't even take a moment.

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Dad said brightly.

"Come in, come in," Mom ushered her in and took her flag, "Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee? That bottle of 1894 vintage champagne you kept in the second drawer of your desk in your office? And what can we call you?"

"Wha - but how did you - oh fuck it, I don't even care any more," the woman sighed, "Call me Contessa."

* * *

The scene was set.

The epic battle to end all battles would commence, soon.

The brave warriors of the Azn B-Boys were sweating, as they resolutely stood in rank and file, waiting for the hammer to fall.

The silence was broken, when Lock Master L looked up from his position on the La-Z-Boy chair he had brought with him and was using as an impromptu throne, before saying two simple words, dripping with anticipation.

"They're here."

They looked up.

There, floating above them, were their ultimate opponents.

Legend stood at the forefront of the three. "You were a fool to come here, Lock Master L. You can not win this fight."

The leader of the ABB narrowed his eyes. "You are wrong," he stated simply, "There is no enemy my moves can not overcome."

The Triumvirate touched down, gently.

"I do not believe this will be resolved through diplomacy," Alexandria noted.

"No," Lock Master L agreed, "It will not."

"So be it," Eidolon intoned.

Legend stepped forward. The ABB grunts backed away in unison - save for one. A man in a hooded top, baggy pants and a grimacing demon mask.

"My most loyal lieutenant," Lock Master L nodded, "You talk big, Legend. Let us see if you can back that talk up against the Phantom Breakdown! DJ Bakuda," he raised a hand, " **Unleash the sound of the ABB beatdown!** "

Legend stepped forth to do battle, as the world erupted with _noise_.

* * *

Dennis whistled happily as he walked through the shopping district - things were looking up. Miss Militia had apologised for beating him up -

 _Guns_ , he shuddered.

Skitter had apparently decided to leave him alone since stealing Armsmaster's beard,

 _Bugs_ , he shuddered again.

And villains were fleeing Brockton Bay in droves. He glanced over at a nearby toy shop, and froze.

In the front window, was a plushie toy. It was a mockery of an 'army ant' - an anthropomorphic ant, holding some kind of mockery of a rifle.

 _Bugs with guns_ , he processed in horror, as he stumbled backwards, landing on his backside.

"YOU!"

He blinked as he turned his head toward the source of the voice - before what he could only assume was some kind of white thunderbolt collided with him, dragging him to his feet.

"I just saw you fall over," the intense girl held him by the shoulders, "I saw it. You're hurt, right? Injured. Disfigured. Otherwise inconvenienced. I know you are. You are, right?"

"I - I didn't -" Clockblocker stammered out.

" _Don't lie to me,_ " Panacea hissed, a manic gleam in her eyes.

"YES!" He yelped.

"I have your permission to heal you," she stated.

"Wha... buh-"

"I'm sorry, I mustn't have expressed myself clearly enough," Panacea nodded, before grabbing him by the collar and slamming him against the wall repeatedly. "I said _I have,"_

Slam.

 _"Your,"_

Slam.

 _"Permission,"_

Slam.

 _"To,"_

Slam.

 _"Fucking,"_

Slam.

 _"Heal,"_

Slam.

 _"You._ " She finished, letting him collapse to the floor.

"You have it! You have it! Just please stop hurting me," Dennis sobbed as he wondered if his life could possibly get any worse.


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, I own nothing.**

 **A/N: This chapter is the one that suffers the most from being transferred over from Spacebattles - nothing against this place, of course, but the formatting simply doesn't allow for what I did with this chapter in the original version. I've tried to make the transition as painless as possible, and I'll here's your track-list for good measure:**

 **Legend: Jackson Five - Blame it on the Boogie**

 **Oni Lee: James Brown - Can't take it with you**

 **Alexandria: Michael Jackson - Billie Jean**

 **Lung 1: MC Hammer - Don't Stop (Do it Roger remix)**

 **Lung 2: Prodigy - Firestarter**

 **But I really recommend that you read this chapter in the original format for the full experience.**

* * *

 **"LAAAAAAAAAAAADIES AND GENTLEMEN!"**

A deafening cheer rose up.

 **"You are here tonight to witness a battle the likes of which has never been seen before!"**

Another cheer, even louder than the last.

 **"On the one side - we've got the challenger! He recently made a good showing in Brockton Bay, but can he succeed against the overwhelming force arrayed against him tonight? Ladies and Gentlemen, Enter the Dragon, it's LOCK MASTER L! And his protegé, the PHANTOM BREAKDOWN!"**

A roar echoed around New York as the crowd voiced their approval.

 **"On the other side, we've got the defending champions - you all know them, you all love them, it's the TRIUMVIRATE!"**

Another roar, just as loud as the last.

 **"And don't forget to give a hand to our resident Tinker on the decks, the bombastic DJ BAKUDA!"**

The crowd cheered again.

 **"And of course, I'm your host tonight - MC Mouse Protector!"**

The loudest cheer yet.

 **"Oh, you,"** she grinned, **"Now for the event you've all been waiting for. Let the battle BEGIN!"**

* * *

Legend nodded as the first song started rolling.

He intended to finish this quickly, and Dj Bakuda had given him the perfect weapon to do so.

After all, this was his _jam_.

" _My baby's always dancin', and it wouldn't be a bad thing..._ "

He started bouncing in time with the beat - looking confident.

Then he opened up proceedings.

Exit signs, formed from light, appeared above him.

 **"Oh my! Legend is opening up with a vengeance... He's pointing to the exits! He obviously doesn't think this will take long!"** The crowd roared in approval.

Legend then went straight into his next move.

 **"But wait... he's not finished yet! Look at him go! He's doing the lawnmower! Are the ABB just blades of grass before the power of the Triumvirate?"**

The chorus was about to kick in. Legend tensed - he was ready for it. He activated his power- and started pointing around him as the words appeared.

 **"What's this? Oh my! It can only be one thing..."** Mouse Protector stammered, **"It is!"**

Don't blame it on the **SUNSHINE** ,

Don't blame it on the **MOONLIGHT** ,

Don't blame it on the **GOOD TIMES** ,

Blame it on the **BOOGIE**!

 **"...LEGEND'S LYRICAL MIRACLE!"**

The crowd went _wild._ Legend smirked triumphantly.

The Phantom Breakdown staggered back, as if struck.

"Impressive," Lock Master L gritted his teeth.

Then, the Phantom Breakdown recovered, and stepped forward again.

And the track changed.

 _"Oh yeah yeah yeah..."_

 **"It seems it's time for the Phantom Breakdown's counterattack!"** MC Mouse Protector announced, **"But what can he produce to trump such a display of power and skill?"**

The Phantom Breakdown wasted no time - he hit the floor immediately.

 **"And the Breakdown has cut straight to his impressive bottom-rocking! And... Oh, what's this? Oh? OH! HE'S PULLING OUT THE BIG GUNS ALREADY, FOLKS!"**

There was one Phantom Breakdown, bottom-rocking.

Then there were two.

Then three.

Then four.

Then no less than five Phantom Breakdowns were appearing and reappearing on the floor, bottom-rocking in perfect synthesis.

 **"...It's the PHANTOM FORCE MULTIPLIER!"**

A deafening roar emerged from the crowd. Legend staggered back - Alexandria caught him before he could fall.

"You did well, Legend," she told him, "But I will deal with this."

She stepped forward.

 **"It looks like the Triumvirate are switching out! Alexandria is coming forward to take on our plucky challengers!"**

The track changed again.

She smirked.

Then she levitated slightly above the ground, before opening up with her first salvo - sharp movements, kicking and spinning, before leading into her first major move.

She looked like she was walking - but she wasn't moving forward.

 **"Alexandria comes racing out of the blocks - it's the floating air-walk!"** MC Mouse Protector declared- but Alexandria wasn't done yet. **"She's really going for broke! And... oh dear, what's this? Is it? Could it be?"**

"Damn..." Lock Master L clenched his fist.

"It's like she's walking forward," one of the ABB members whispered in awe, "But she's moving _backward_."

 **"It's ALEXANDRIA'S MID-AIR MOONWALK!"**

The crowd was jubilant.

The Phantom Breakdown, however, stumbled back, for the last time.

"Stand back," Lock Master L grunted as he stalked past the form of his minion, "Leave this one to _me._ "

He raised a hand - and snapped his finger. Alexandria watched from the air, arms folded.

The track changed.

 _"Hammer's bringing it to you..."_

Lock Master L wasted no time. He instantly started popping and locking - moving perfectly in time with the beat, smooth movements, jerking to a halt at each beat.

He started with his torso and arms - then flowed smoothly to his legs and feet, perfectly synchronised with the beat.

 **"And Lock Master L is living up to his name today, folks! That's the best popping and locking I've ever seen! But he's going to need more than that to beat Alexandria! What will the Dragon pull from his hoard of tricks?"**

Lock Master L looked up. He gave a savage grin.

Then the metallic wings emerged from his back.

Every joint flowed into motion, perfectly in-time with the beat, before coming to a stop...

 **"...I... I don't believe it! Every joint! Not a wasted movement! It could only be... Lock Master L's TWELVE-POINT POSE!"**

The crowd unleashed their approval once again - as Alexandria hit the ground with a grimace. She got up to return to the battle, but was stopped by a hand on her shoulder.

"I believe I should finish this," Eidolon intoned as he stepped forward.

Everything went deathly silent, for a moment.

 **"Oh my!"** MC Mouse Protector finally spoke up again, **"It seems Eidolon is finally entering the battle after that stunning display from the challenger! Can Lock Master L weather this storm?"**

The track changed, once again.

 _"You ain't nothin' but a hound dog..."_

Eidolon wasted no time.

 **"Eidolon obviously wants to put Lock Master L down hard!"** MC Mouse Protector cried, **"He's already unleashing..."**

First he was Elvis, grooving to rock'n'roll.

Then he was a Bee-Gee.

Then a Village Person - then John Travolta - then a rocker, then he was Michael Jackson. It was a never-ending flow of different styles and moves.

"Damn it," Lock Master L gritted his teeth as he weathered the storm, "It's not possible! How could one man move like this to so many styles?"

Then it was eighties pop, then Eidolon walked like an Egyptian, then he was 90s hip-hop, then 90's techno...

" **...EIDOLON'S EVOLUTION OF DANCE!** "

The ensuing roar could likely be heard across the entirety of North America, as the crowd went _ballistic_.

Lock Master L buckled under the assault - staggering to his knees, sagging a little more under the weight of each new style. Eventually, he was left kneeling, head bowed, unmoving.

 **"It looks like the end for our brave challenger!"** MC Mouse Protector said gravely, **"Could** ** _anyone_** **come back from such an assault?"**

Then Lock Master L twitched.

 **"Oh? What's this?"**

He stood up.

 **"Could it be?"**

Then flame engulfed his body.

 **"IT IS!"**

An enormous figure stepped out of the flames.

Covered from head to toe in metallic scales, standing at nearly twenty feet tall, with a long, prehensile metal tail and an elongated, dragon-esque face, Lock Master L met Eidolon's gaze for a moment.

"I am a Dragon," he said simply, "This is how Dragons rock."

And then he broke down.

He popped, and locked - but this time, he was also breaking, bottom-rocking and top-rocking at a furious pace. Every time one of his appendages touched the ground, a burst of flame rose up around it.

 **"IT'S LOCK MASTER L'S ESCALATION BATTLE STATIONS!"**

The crowd, formerly fearing for their hero, broke out into jubilant cheers - hugging, crying, taking pictures.

"Guh!" Eidolon held up a hand to shield his face from the awesome, "It's too much! I can't... hold..."

He staggered back, joining the other two members of the Triumvirate.

 **"EIDOLON IS DOWN! HE IS DOWN! WE HAVE A WINNER! THE BATTLE IS DONE!"** MC Mouse Protector shouted as loud as she possibly could, **"THE TRIUMVIRATE HAVE FALLEN, AND WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! ALL HAIL THE MIGHT OF LOCK. MASTER. L!"**

As Lock Master L returned to his regular form, it finally got too much for the crowd. They broke ranks and swarmed their new hero, hugging, touching, lifting him up above their heads and cheering his name, as the Triumvirate looked on in defeat - knowing that the status quo had changed forever.

* * *

 _-At the Hebert Household-_

Her parents and the Undersiders began celebrating wildly.

Taylor didn't join them.

Instead, she stared at the TV screen with an empty gaze.

"It was only supposed to be a distraction," she muttered repeatedly as she began rocking back and forth on the sofa, "It was only supposed to be a distraction."


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own Worm, it belongs to Wildbow.**

* * *

PRT ENE Director Emily Piggot had a superpower.

She wasn't a parahuman - no mere parahuman could emulate her ability, earned through long, hard hours of practice and dedication.

You see, she had the ability to express an enormous amount of disapproval whilst only saying one, small word.

"Vacation."

To his credit, the Ward at her desk seemed unaffected. "Yes," Clockblocker agreed, "Vacation. Two weeks. That's what we're supposed to get, right? Well, I'm taking mine."

"I see," Director Piggot looked unimpressed, "And might I ask the reason for this sudden need for a vacation, Clockblocker?"

"Brockton Bay is hazardous to my health," he declared.

She stared. "And?"

"Uh," he amended, "More hazardous to my health than other superheroes."

"Right," she felt the oncoming headache, "And to remedy this, you feel you need two weeks away. Where do you have in mind?"

"The North Pole."

"I'm sorry," Emily set down her pen, "I seem to have misheard you."

"I've been doing my research," the redhead began explaining, "And eventually narrowed down two locations where I would have the lowest possible chance of encountering bugs, guns, or healers. Outer Space, and The North Pole. Nobody was willing to take me to Outer Space until Armsmaster gets the Simurgh, so I settled for the second one. The sea floor was my third choice, it moved up the list a bit with Leviathan out of the picture, but crustaceans are still a little too much like bugs for me to-"

"Approved." Emily stamped her approval on the form, "Approved. God damn it, _approved!_ Just get the hell out of my city, you insane boy."

"Thanks, Director!" Clockblocker said in relief as he clutched the papers to his chest like a lifeline, "I really needed this!"

* * *

Kreig was straining, as he tried to stuff the last pair of socks into his suitcase.

"Kreig," he turned his head as the familiar form of Hookwolf entered the room, "What do you want?"

"Ah," he stammered, "Hookwolf! Well, you see," he finally jammed the socks in and closed the suitcase, "I've decided that you would be much, much better at leading the Empire 88 than me, so I'm giving you the leadership. Er, congratulations," he offered with as much false sincerity as he could muster.

Hookwolf blinked. "Huh. Didn't think you would ever see sense. So what'll you be doing?"

"Me?" Kreig felt cold sweat roll down his temple as he wracked his mind for an excuse. "Uh, well, you see. I'm so ashamed of my inability to be a good Nazi that I'm going off to a training camp," he offered.

"A training camp?"

"A Nazi training camp," Kreig agreed, thankful that Hookwolf appeared to be buying it, "So I can practice my Nazi-ing. _You_ don't need it," he stressed, "As you're, er, such an amazing Nazi already, it's why I thought you were prime leadership material. Now I've got to be off, don't want to miss that plane and be a poor Nazi now!" He called as he shot out of the office door.

Hookwolf frowned, then shrugged as he sat down in the office chair, already making plans to take over the city for good - no Lung meant he only really had to take out the Merchants and Coil before the city would be his, and then they could drive the... Protectorate...

He stood back up, pulling out his phone. "Hello? Stormtiger? Yes, it's Hookwolf. I need you to come to the big office. Yes, that one. Oh, and, er, in a totally unrelated matter, can you bring my suitcase? Thanks."

* * *

"Ya know, people should listen to you more often, Skiddie."

"I fucking know, right? Everyone knows those fuck-stain thieves don't take drugs. So we just, cover all our shit in drugs, and they don't fucking lift it, right? Those dick-gobbling shit-heads at the meeting just weren't ready for the fucking logic bomb I was dropping."

"Yeah, you're the best, Skids."

* * *

"And _how_ ," Coil stressed, "Did you fail to capture the target this time?"

"Well," the lead mercenary began explaining, "Those tickets you gave us were only good for the Downtown routes. When the target headed towards the Docks, we had to change buses, but the driver didn't have change, and the smallest thing any of us had was a ten," he shook his head, "Sir, I recommend that our operatives are provided with sufficient change for the next attempt to ensure success."

"And why didn't you just threaten the bus driver?" Coil demanded.

"With respect, Sir, what could we do? If we beat him up or shot him, he wouldn't have been able to drive the bus," the mercenary responded.

Coil held his head in his hands as he counted off Dinah Alcott kidnapping attempt #756.

* * *

"So..."

The assembled heroes of the Brockton Bay Protectorate sat around awkwardly.

"Anyone want a game of cards?"

"We did that an hour ago, Assault," Velocity informed him.

"Oh yeah, we did, didn't we?" Assault sighed, "Damn it. I'm so bored."

* * *

Meanwhile, with New Wave, a heated argument was being held.

"We need to stage an intervention," Victoria argued, "Seriously, Mom, for the last few days, _I've_ been the responsible sister. _Me._ Think about how bad things need to be for it to have reached that point."

Carol, on the other hand, was taking Amy's new-found enthusiasm for healing far better.

"Nonsense," she waved it off, "Amy has just rediscovered her heroic tendencies. Yes," she nodded firmly, "There's nothing wrong with her being more... er... enthusiastic, about helping others. Nothing at all. As long as it's about helping."

* * *

"So, how's it looking?" Uber asked curiously as he looked over Leet's shoulder.

"I think I've almost got it," Leet confirmed, "The main thing is making sure it's a Master Ball. If we just make a regular ball, we'll never catch one of the others."

"And then we just need to find them," Uber nodded, "Are we still going for Behemoth?"

"It makes sense," Leet agreed, "I mean, Simurgh's obviously part Flying-type. Behemoth can do Electric-type attacks, so he's got super-effective attacks against them both, right?"

"And then we just need the badges," Uber frowned, "Any idea how you're going to pull that off? You can't exactly make eight of the same thing, after all."

"No, I can't" Leet sighed, "Maybe Toybox?"

"Worth looking into. No expenses spared if you want to be a Master, after all."

* * *

 _-Meanwhile, at the Hebert Household-_

"All right," Ocean said to the gathered crew as he set up a whiteboard, "We've decided we're going for another job before we tackle the new-and-improved Armsmaster. We were discussing possibilities before Leviathan, and other events, rudely interrupted us, but we think we've given the world enough of a reprieve. Now, Midnight Feline and I have been discussing possible suggestions, and noted a few down for your input." He wrote down several options on the whiteboard:

 _Scion's Outfit_

 _The Sleeper_

 _The President's teeth_

 _Earth Aleph_

 _Newton's Third Law of Motion_

 _The Great Wall of China_

 _The naming rights of every hero in the Protectorate_

"Now, we're ambivalent as to which of these we actually decide to do," Midnight Feline explained, "So we're leaving the decision to a group vote - Skitter? Skitter, honey, what's wrong?"

Regent and Tattletale panicked as they tried to hold down the comatose, spasming form of the second-generation parahuman kleptomaniac.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Worm belongs to Wildbow, I own nothing.**

* * *

Dennis shivered happily as he stepped off the ship, taking in the glorious view: his cabin, and then snow, snow, ice, and more snow, and maybe some more ice.

More importantly, no bugs, guns, or healers in sight.

This was going to be a great holiday.

If, perhaps, a slightly chilly one.

He grabbed his suitcase, and began the arduous process of hefting it towards the cabin with a cheerful whistle.

 _'Dear manly-journal-that-is-in-no-way-a-diary,_

 _This place is the best! I've been here for three days now, and I haven't seen a bug, a gun or a healer yet! I actually managed to get a full night's sleep without having nightmares about army ant field medics._

 _I'm tempted to stay here permanently and just let the whole hero thing go. It would probably be safer. Something to consider once I solve the problem of not being able to feel my toes, at least.'_

Dennis winced as he accidentally sliced his thumb while cutting the carrots for his stew - then went white with horror and dived under the table.

A long, silent moment passed.

He crawled back out, tentatively.

Then grinned triumphantly.

"Oh, that's right, no healers," he said to nobody, before waving his hand at the ceiling, "See this? See this, you bastard? I'm cut! Hurt! Injured! And none of your agents of despair have come knocking down my door to fix it! I've won! WON!"

 _'Dear bro-esque-writing-book-that-still-isn't-a-diary,_

 _My first week is almost over, and I feel more relaxed than ever. Still no bugs, firearms or medical parahumans! A polar bear tried to jump me when I went outside for firewood, but I kicked its ass. Anyway, I -_

There was a knock at the door.

Dennis took a deep breath, as he moved a trembling hand towards the door. Who had tracked him down to _here_ , of all places? What horrors were waiting on the other side of this inconspicuous entryway?

He steeled his nerves, and pushed the door open.

He stared.

Standing in front of him were a group he recognised instantly. At the door, with a smile on his face and a knife in his hand, was perhaps the world's most infamous parahuman, Jack Slash, leader of the Slaughterhouse Nine.

Behind him stood the rest of his group. He made out the massive, monstrous form of Crawler at the back, alongside Shatterbird and Mannequin.

Siberian stood off to the side, in front of a large, oddly-shaped snow mound, while the diminutive form of Bonesaw was shivering in what he could only describe as a seal-coat. Not a seal-skin coat; a coat genuinely made out of interlocked seals.

Burnscar and Cherish were sitting down, sharing the warmth of the fire in the former's hand.

"Oh, good," he sighed in relief, "It's just you guys. I thought it was something horrible, like a bug, or a gun, or a healer."

Then he shut the door in Jack's face and turned back around.

* * *

"Well," Jack commented after an awkward moment, "That was different."

"Did that just happen? I don't believe that just happened," Cherish said incredulously.

"I know," Bonesaw stomped her feet, "I _am too_ a healer!"

Everyone looked at her incredulously.

"Oh, come on. Lack of ability and lack of willing are two different things!"

"Anyway," Jack interjected before she got angry, "Let's try that again."

He knocked again.

* * *

Dennis frowned in annoyance as he opened the door again. "What the hell do you people want? I'm trying to write in my di-masculine event recording device," he amended quickly.

"Well," Jack scratched his head, "We're the Slaughterhouse Nine."

"I didn't ask who you are, I asked what you want," Dennis crossed his arms expectantly.

"Oh. Well... we're here to murder you, horribly?"

"Ah," Dennis frowned, "That's kind of inconvenient."

"I suppose it would be, for you," Jack privately felt this was the oddest day he'd had this week, "...well then, er, Siberian, you kill him. It's your turn."

The menacing black-and-white figure stepped forward.

"Well," Dennis sighed, "Normally, there's no way in hell I'd be able to beat you all on my own. Fortunately, this happened," he made a 'T' shape with his hands, "Time Out."

Everyone but the redhead froze. Dennis observed the unmoving forms of the Slaughterhouse Nine, the Siberian stuck mid-stride, the confused smile fixed on Jack's face.

He then shrugged, and turned to the readers.

"Well, this is just my luck, isn't it, guys? I try to go away for a relaxing vacation, and then I run into _these_ bozos. Fortunately for me, at some point during the horrific events that I've been repeatedly put through in the last few weeks or so, I second-triggered!"

He scratched his chin, "It's still pretty weird, using it. I mean, I just hold my hands like that and say 'Time Out', then everyone stops what they're doing and stands still, and all of a sudden I can see all you guys, and feel an unexplainable urge to narrate. Hi, you guys!" he waved.

He then frowned. "All right, a few of you waved back, at least. It's all right, I'm still getting used to this, too. Oh, before I forget," he then tapped Jack on the forehead, "Got you," then proceeded to tag the rest of the Nine, "And you, and you, and you..." until he rubbed his hands together, contentedly, "And done."

He turned back to the readers. "Right then, that settles that. Actually, I should probably call this in, shouldn't I?" He sighed. "Damn. I guess my vacation is ending early. Time in!"

Everything unfroze - apart from the Slaughterhouse Nine, who were tagged by Dennis' power.

Then the Siberian disappeared - and reappeared again, lunging for him.

"Time out!"

She froze again.

"Now that's just not fair," Dennis frowned, before turning back to the readers. "You guys know something, don't you? I know you do," he eyed you all suspiciously, "I can see it in your beady little eyes. Let's see... what looks out of place... what looks out of place... what looks out of -" he blinked, "Hold on, are snow mounds normally shaped like vans? Aha!" He pointed triumphantly at the knowing look in the eyes of a member of the reader base, "Well then, now that's solved, I suppose I'd better wrap this up. After all, we've got a sequel coming up, and a bunch of psychos like these guys really bring down the mood in what's supposed to be a humorous story, right? Don't worry, though, there are still plenty of villains to deal with in the next go-around. I don't think I'll be there, on the other hand - I'm going to retire and live like a king on the proceeds I get from this bunch. Well, two more points of view to go, and then we'll see you in the next story!"

* * *

"I don't know how, I don't know why, but somehow, I know I'm responsible for this." Taylor stared in shock as _'Brockton Bay Ward Captures Slaughterhouse Nine'_ headlined the news that morning.

* * *

"Miss Militia."

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"What is your progress on finding a new habitable dimension? I feel my stay in this one is becoming more and more unbearable as events progress."

"It's going well, Ma'am. I am making progress towards bribing Dragon to replicate some of Doctor Haywire's work."

"How are you managing that?"

"Naked pictures of Armsmaster, Ma'am."

"...and now I wish I hadn't asked."

"It's all right, Ma'am. It's not the worst thing I've ever had to do in the line of duty."

"Yes, I can imagine."

"...Though it does make the top five."

"Yes, well, that's all well and good, but how do you plan on getting hold of Doctor Haywire's work in the first place?"

"Well, Ma'am," Miss Militia's eyes glinted, "It occurs to me that I could stand to learn some lessons from one of our more prolific enemies when it comes to methods of acquiring things that we desperately need."


End file.
